Conflicting
by roxyxkarkat
Summary: It's conflicting, how much you wish you could hate someone you love. Rated M just in case.


You wish you could hate him.

When he breaks down all of your defenses and makes your whole body shiver you wish with all your heart that you could bring yourself to hate him. When his crimson eyes gaze into you and you can tell—even without the way his hands run over your chest—that he is _wanting,_ and you find yourself wanting in return you wish you could hate him.

You hate how easily you surrender to him. How it takes only the lightest touch of his skin or the softest whisper in your ear to make your heart beat faster and your breath hitch, and just like that, you belong to him.

You hate how he easily he can make you moan. How he knows exactly what to do to make you voice the pleasure that he gives you. He has you under his thumb, and you know he knows it. But he doesn't treat you like a pet, and you hate that more than anything. You wish he would treat you like trash because then it would be easier to hate him.

You hate how good it feels to be touched by him. The way his hands caress you and make your body shiver and your breath catch because you _want_ this and it is wrong to feel this way. You wish you could stop, but every time you feel his breath on your cheek and his hands on your body you find yourself clinging to him even tighter, because you're scared this will one day end. And you know it will, because you will have to betray him. You wish the thought of it didn't hurt you as much as does but you can't help but dread the day all of this ends.

You hate how good he tastes. How you can never get enough of him no matter how long and fiercely you kiss him. He is like a drug that you can't let go of and that should scare you but it doesn't. When you kiss it's like you're both drinking each other in, and when he lets you taste every part of his body you hate how _good_ it feels.

You hate how much he cares. Every time he asks you "Is this okay?" and you can only gasp your acceptance you wish he would stop caring about you, just so that you can bring yourself to hate him. And when he says your _name_. Thrice, it makes you melt every time. He loves you and you know that if you stay too long he will not be able to picture life without you but you can't bring yourself to leave just yet.

You hate how much you want him. Everything he does just draws you in and you can't stop yourself. He only ever made you beg for him once, and you realized then that you never wanted to let him go, and it hurt because you knew you would have to eventually.

You hate all these things about him because they make you love him.

Deep down you know that in probably only a few days' time he will hate you and it hurts. You want to treasure these memories you have of him now because you know that when you look back on these days years from now it will hurt.

You feel a moan escape you as his hands travel over your body, traveling downward from your chest. He nibbles at your ear, making you jump, and you sigh as he whispers your name, over and over again. You tangle your fingers in his hair as you bight his ear in return, making him yelp in surprise. He moans as you kiss him just below his ear, his hands still working away at you while you try to taste every part of him.

You have both done this several times now and you hate how much you love it. You love how high he lifts you almost as much as when he catches you as you come crashing down, begging him to stop when he knows you mean the exact opposite.

In the moments before you both drift off to sleep you find yourself beginning to wonder: what if? What if you had met under different circumstances? Would you be able to love each other openly instead of secretly and in the dark? Would you have no fear of telling the other three how you feel? Would they accept you? What if you manage to convince him to change his ways? Become a hero instead of a villain, save the kingdom instead of trying to destroy it. These are dangerous questions to think, because you know they can never be. You will enjoy his love for a little while longer, and then betray him so that you can save the kingdom he wants so desperately to destroy.

A small sob escapes you, but fortunately Shadow is asleep so he doesn't hear you. When he is sleeping he looks so at peace that you can almost imagine that everything will turn out fine, though your mind is always reminding you that that is a lie.

Shadow's breathing is even and his lips form a tiny smirk as he sleeps. You decide to commit this moment to memory, every sound, smell, and sight. So that you might never forget it, because when you look back on this memory, you know you will be grateful to have gotten to share such peace with one who seeks to destroy it; one you love.

"I love you," you whisper, and even though Shadow couldn't have heard it, his smile widens just a little. You close your eyes, nuzzling your head in his neck. Tomorrow might be the day you have to betray him, but you know you will never let go of the memories he has brought you.


End file.
